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"Making you wet and making you laugh are my two favorite things"





whats the difference between outlaws and inlaws

outlaws are wanted

come on reblog this my grandma told me this joke and was convinced she was going to be famous on tumblr for it

every time my mom and grandma get into an argument my grandma says “excuse me pamela i am famous on the tumbler”

Anonymous: Are you and violence-of-action dating?



one time, i was sitting in my cost accounting class on a rainy Friday afternoon, thinking about how wow this was the wrong pair of underwear to wear with these shorts i wonder if i’ll have time to go home and change between class while also looking out the window because there was a pair of squirrels looking like they were about to get their freak on and i was sincerely interested in how that’d play out, i was pullin’ for the girl, WHEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, we hear roaring winds, like it’s not hurricane season, but that tree looks like it’s about to get blown the fuck over sort of winds, so everyone ran to the window, which is actually really rude to the teacher and sort of annoying to me because they were all crowding around me now and i have a big personal bubble when it comes to crowds, but lo and behold!!! there was james!! on a helicopter!! hanging down from a rope attached to it, swinging in the breeze, looking like a fuckin’ hero, sweaty and shiny and really reallllly pale, which at first was like oooeeghhh….that’s not how it’s supposed to be…but i quickly shook off that thought and focused on WOW! A HELICOPTER! A MAN! SHIRTLESS!! GOSH! and then i heard him call my name out and i was like omg what the heck i’m in class this is soooo embarrassing couldnt you have just texted me like i see your phone on your hip and everything..but luckily no one in class knows my name because i like to sit alone in the corner playing sudoku before the professor walks in and starts lecturing, so i just quickly and quietly backwards walked out of class, unnoticed, like usual, sigh, to go out and meet him, well actually i sort of just hid behind a tree and waved him over, dragging him out of the spotlight he so loves because it was giving me anxiety and took him into Denny’s where he confessed his motives over carmel frappes, even though we ordered mocha, and was like omg ryann i luuuuuuv ur booty i neeeeeed you to be my power couple queen pls be mine and, and after conducting a thorough interview, judgments based on how quickly he ate his Grandslam, what kind of eggs he ordered, sausage patties or links, and if he got homefries or hashbrowns, i regreted to inform him that, no, i cannot b urs, bc i don’t think you can handle the booty. i mean, he could handle it, but he couldn’t handle it, you know what i mean?? like sure, he’s got really nice and big hands, and the reach from his shoulders to my ass is on point, and his ears were oddly attractive, but none of that mattered. i could not agree to dating him. i refuse to be power couple with someone who doesn’t finish their entire plate of breakfast food. too weak. can’t finish your plate, can’t handle my booty.

And that, nonners, is why we are not dating. My breakfast game isn’t strong enough.

My day today.

Teacher:  So, you dress pretty butch.  (Note; my teacher is deaf, and ASL is wicked blunt, so this isn't rude thing for him to say)
Me:  Yeah, I like it more
Teacher:  Men's clothes are much more comfortable. Dresses itch.  (Another note, my teacher is a short, fat, married to a woman, 60-something year old man, with a large mustache.)
Me:  You've worn a dress?
Teacher:  My ex-boyfriend and I went to a few bars in drag. I wore a ballgown and lipstick. It looked good with my mustache. I was beautiful.
Me:  ..........
Me:  You are the pinnacle of human evolution.